you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
