I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
