I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
