come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
