I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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