Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
