He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
