So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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