I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
