and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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