I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
