I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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