I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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