youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
