So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
