don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
