He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
