Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
