I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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