I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
