you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
