Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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