Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm too high and old for this...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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