we have pet lesbian snakes
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
