THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
