I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
