im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
