the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
