saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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