I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
