I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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