I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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