life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
