Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
