I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Bring me that man meat
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
