now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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