Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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