I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
