I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
