Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
