she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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