I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
