the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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