dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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