his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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