the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
