i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
