We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
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