Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
