i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
